November 19, 2010

How to be a playah: the scoundrel's guide to fly fishing

DJ Liptonite
How to be a pimp-ass playah on the river:

Gear up. Outfit yourself with a Sage Zn+1 = Zn2 + c Axis and an Abel Super Series reel with custom "Mountain Whitefish" finish. Spool up Rio's new Trout Whisperer fly line on 200 yards of 30# gelspun backing.

Start a blog; brag about how sweet you are. Master Photoshop and throw up some mad fish porn with extendo arm shots. Grip and grin. Butcher a hero shot and abuse monster wild fish for extra bonus points.

Indicator nymphing: Fish big ass bobbers the size of a globe. Start a flame war on your blog and internet message boards against anyone who calls your
bobber a bobber.

Fish with guys like MC Gracie Jones, Rice-cakes or Smithhammerzilla to boost your street cred. Anything you do will make you look like a champ compared to those dudes.

PBR? Step up to Hurricane High Gravity beotch.

Fish for weird shit in odd places like finescale dace on size 32 emerger patterns with a 000-weight glass rod. Be so obscure that no one knows what the fuck you are talking about. Who needs taimen when you can dredge for Sea Donkeys at the municipal cesspool?

Become burrito brothers with Singlebarbed and exchange dubbing "samples".

Post videos, movie trailers, photos, and links to other fishing sites on your blog, Twitter, and Facebook accounts, and no original content. Proceed to dub yourself the "King of Social Media".

Show up at the retailer show and hang out at The Drake Magazine booth all weekend, trying to pick up any leftover crumbs of coolness left on the show floor. Buy them all drinks at the bar after the show and then proceed to tell them why you're awesome and a better angler than all y'all combined. Bonus points for sniffing Mueller's aviator glasses.

Wax poetic about Mesopotamian culture with your streamside captives.

Write in your blog that you wax poetic about Mesopotamian culture.

Join the two-hander bandwagon craze. Swing intruders with a 16' spey rod on your fav spring creek. Tie up a bunch of articulated tube flies for those gnarly creek chubs.

Get decked out in Simms gear, but switch to Patagonia because things were getting too "political" on the Drake message board.

Proclaim yourself bigger than Jebus and Orvis, retreat to your mountain compound, and become a recluse pursuing stunted brookies and golden's with parr marks. You are your own island.

Actually support the Pebble Mine efforts: You need that bling for your diamond teeth so you can be just like Kanye.

Become a bass hater. Smallies are the new mountain whitefish.

Start calling carp "caprs" so everyone will think your an edgy hipster. Golden bonefish is so 2007.

Hot spot the shit out of your honey hole. GPS coordinates and Google Maps are even better. Get a story published in Fly Fisherman, American Angler, or Fly Rod & Reel about your favorite 6" brookie spot so you can have hordes of Orvis Boys hog your pool. Have a heli pad installed as well as a Starbucks kiosk streamside. Dean & Deluca caters lunch.

Have more Facebook friends than real life friends.

Elope with April Vokey.

Caveat Emptor: The roughfisher may be found guilty of several of the listed infractions.


  1. The RiverRat may resemble some of these comments... nothing beats the thrill of stalking dace, though I've been hatin' bass since before it was cool (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it).

    Oh and a bobber is a bobber.

    (tube flies for Chubs, hmmm.... maybe...)

  2. Nothing about streamside diet - bacon, jerky, Clif bars & Pop Tarts? With Pop Tarts, all things are possible.

  3. @CD: my bad, though I did refer to my liquid diet

  4. "Anything you do will make you look like a champ compared to those dudes."


    "Bonus points for sniffing Mueller's aviator glasses."

    If those poon shields could talk....

  5. yo that fo' shiznit mofo! Sounds like how we rock out the 802! Def mtn jam on dem fallfish boi!

    you gotta be bustin'!

  6. Can't wait for the book. Can we pre-order! :?

  7. Damn, That's a long list. I may have to settle for knowning guys that know guys that are playahs.